


The Pieces That Are Left

by mtac_archivist



Category: NCIS
Genre: Drama, Episode Related, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not Episode Related, Not a Crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-26
Updated: 2007-12-26
Packaged: 2019-03-02 06:07:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13312092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mtac_archivist/pseuds/mtac_archivist
Summary: Gibbs was dead. Not brain-dead or in a coma or whatever. He was dead. And it was his damn fault.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Jessi, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [ MTAC](https://fanlore.org/wiki/MTAC), an archive of NCIS fanfiction which closed in 2017. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after August 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator (and this work is still attached to the archivist account), please contact me using the e-mail address on [ the MTAC collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/mtac/profile)

  
Author's notes: This is the first fanfiction I\'m publishing here. I hope to get some reviews, because I\'m German and I don\'t have a beta, but definitely need to improve. I apologize for every grammar or spelling mistake I made.

 

 

The story sets after the episode \"Requiem\". So if you haven\'t seen this episode it might be better if you do so before you read my story. It\'s an alternative ending, though.  


* * *

Chapter One

Gibbs was cold.

Not the ‘It’s freezing outside’ kind of cold. Gibbs hands were never cold, anyway. That made said point unbelievable, already, but it didn’t chance the fact that Gibbs really was cold. And it wasn’t the ‘unemotional bastard’ cold either. Although sometimes it seemed true. Gibbs was an unemotional bastard. At least that’s what he let people think, because deep inside he had feelings. But it was his and only a few people he could trust enough to show them what he felt. And still, Gibbs was cold.

But it was different.

So different that Tony would cry about it.

Not only would. Did. He did so violently, that someone watching would think he’d already cried himself out. Dry and empty inside, not able to produce any more tears. In a way that wasn’t entirely wrong. Anthony DiNozzo felt already empty for the fact. Dry… well, not quite sure about that, but definitely empty. But the emptiness wasn’t the main feeling. Neither was the sadness or the loneliness. It would be the guilt.

Guilt because he hadn’t been able to rescue his supervisor soon enough. He had been hesitating one moment too long, waiting to be sure, that Maddie was alive and breathing. She had for the moment, but he had doubted it one moment too long and that was the reason why Gibbs was facing death right now.

No way out.

No matter how often Tony had pounded down on the chest of his boss, still hoping that he would come to consciousness again, choking, but breathing at least. Alive. But he wasn’t and it was all his damn fault.

Tony had given up on him. He had stopped trying to get Gibbs out of dreamland or wherever he was. Had stopped to get him conscious by clearly telling him, that he would prefer not to kiss his boss. Had stopped to get him conscious by doing exactly that although he’d tried to avoid it. But since Gibbs wouldn’t wake up, he didn’t have any other choice. He’d stopped, to get Gibbs conscious by facing Maddie and trying to at least bring her back to life.

And he had.

He had saved Maddie but he hadn’t been able to save Gibbs. And that was what left him crying on the dock, shivering from the icy cold water, he’d previously been in, from where he’d pulled out Maddie and Gibbs. He was crying so hard, that he felt numb. Everything happening ever after he’d realized that he couldn’t reanimate his boss was a blur. He didn’t see McGee and Ziva appearing and processing the scene. He didn’t see Ducky arriving and silently bagging the corpses, Gibbs’ included. He didn’t feel the hand of the older man on his shoulder, his lips close to his ear, whispering soothing words and trying to get him to response in any way.

But Tony couldn’t.

He just sat there, crying to himself, in trance. He couldn’t think and he couldn’t feel and he couldn’t see. He just knew that he would never be able to forget. And most of all to forgive himself.

 

Tbc...


	2. The Pieces That Are Left

Chapter Two

Gibbs was dead.

Not brain-dead or in a coma or whatever. He was dead. And it was his damn fault.

Tony lay in his hospital bed, his eyes fixed on an imaginary, obviously extremely exciting point somewhere outside the window. Damp sweat on his forehead glistered in the cold white hospital light. It made him look even paler than he already was from all those different circumstances that caught up on him already. His once so lively eyes lacked completely of expression, of the humor it once held. The humor which drove his colleagues nuts all the time. Day in, day out.

It was a heart-breaking sight.

Especially for those who knew him well. Such as Ducky or Abby or McGee or Ziva. None of them would have ever believed that Anthony DiNozzo could loose his childlike behavior, his permanent smile and laugh. Anthony DiNozzo, king of jokes. One to enlighten his colleagues when they were badly affected by a case they had to solve. Or when they were bored because they didn’t have any ongoing case and needed something to bridge those periods that dragged on tough as gum.

But now Tony was the quiet guy no-one got to witness before. And just because they never got to know this side of one Anthony DiNozzo they didn’t know how to deal with him. How to get him to open up and talk with them. They didn’t know how to react to a Tony who was so far away from being his usual self. The young man was unreachable for everyone, even for the doctors and the nice blonde doctors who checked up on him every few hours.

It had been six days now since Gibbs was dead and Tony was stuck in the hospital ever since. The ice cold water of the river from where he’d pulled Maddie and Gibbs out hadn’t done his already damaged lungs any good. It had taken the doctors five days until they finally had brought the high fever down to lightly heightened temperature. It wasn’t back to normal, but at least it wasn’t something to be concerned of anymore. The coughing had decreased, too. So that was a good sign, at least.

And still the doctors refused to let him get home.

But Tony didn’t say anything about wanting to leave, anyway. In fact he hadn’t said anything at all, since he had gotten to the hospital. At first it had been too painful because his throat was killing him. The coughing had been bad when he had been brought to the hospital and he was on the edge of getting pneumonia. Every breath had ached, so talking hadn’t been an option, anyway. But when he had gotten better, he still hadn’t bothered to talk. It was obvious that he didn’t want to talk about what had happened that day on the dock about a week earlier, but no-one had expected him to shut up completely.

Not even Ducky.

DiNozzo would have talked, if he’d wanted to. Even when he couldn’t. He still would have tried, but for some reason he didn’t. Okay, Gibbs had died so the reason was obvious but no-one had expected him to react that badly. They didn’t know about what they shared, though. Not even Abby or Ducky even though they were much closer to them than Ziva or McGee.

Dr. Donald Mallard, who watched his young friend for a while now from the glass door of the room, sighed silently. “Oh, Anthony. What is wrong with you, my dear friend?” he said to himself. He was too deep in thoughts that he didn’t realize the figure approaching from his right. It was Dr. Brad Pitt, who’d had already known Tony from his bout with the plague. He had prevented the pneumonia which had threatened to break out this time. He had never believed that this treatment would be harder than the first one. After all, Tony hadn’t been facing death this time.

His concerns were no less than that of his colleagues, friends, who sometimes seemed like family, even. Brad had known the ever-laughing man, who had been lying in the blue light of the isolation, coughing up blood, but still lucid enough to keep the banter going with Kate. Although it was to keep his mind focused on something so he wouldn’t have to face the fact that he might die from the plague but he had at least said something. But the broken man in front of him was so different from the childish young man who’d debated over the urine of his female colleague. So different that it hurt to look at him while not being able to do something about it.

“He’ll get through this, Ducky.” The word were said in such belief that it was almost impossible to think that Pitt referred to DiNozzo. Even he wasn’t sure, if it would ever be true. That Tony would be okay again one day. “You know Tony. It won’t be long and he’ll annoy you all like hell. Just like he did before.” A laugh escaped the doctor that sounded false to his own ears. But it was a try. Giving hope was part of his job description after all, even if it was one of the harder parts.

By the chuckle he received from Ducky Pitt knew he’d said the right thing. “Young Anthony has a tendency to bring people over the edge, indeed.” Another chuckle was being released, before the Medical Examiner grew serious again. “To be honest I have never seen him so vulnerable. He looked up to Jethro from the very beginning. I always wondered how someone who moved on to another agency every two years can actually settle down with someone like Jethro but I think my people skills must have fainted with age. I obviously missed a connection that instinctively bonded him to Jethro. I realized that when Gibbs left for Mexico.”

Ducky smiled sadly at the thought. Surprisingly so did Brad. Tony’s behavior had indeed been odd when Gibbs had given him his badge and weapon to tell him he would lead the team from thereon. “Yeah, I remember that”, Pitt admitted quietly and sighed.

“Oh, it seems that you stayed in contact with Anthony after his infection with the plague?” Brad turned to the elder man and nodded, a small smile gracing his lips, when he though about the times they had met on occasional weekends or sometime after work. One time hadn’t been too happy, though.

“Yeah, we did. Met a couple of times, caught up on college years, when we played football and I broke his leg.” He chuckled and shook his head, amused. “We also met shortly after Agent Gibbs made him temporary team-leader. Although that was rather accidentally and not to the delight of either of us.” His expression became serious again. “Did you know that Tony visited a psychologist once?”

By the confused look on Mallard’s face Brad could tell that he obviously didn’t. “No, I never knew about that. How come?”

Dr. Brad opened his mouth, almost spilling the beans, but shut it again when he realized that he was about to break his honor. To tell Ducky wouldn’t be right. Not only because Tony was a friend, but mostly because he had to follow the rules, to maintain doctor-patient confidentiality. “Let’s sit down, Ducky.” He took the Medical Examiner by the arm just above his elbow and led him to a row of chairs nearby.

Tbc...


	3. The Pieces That Are Left

Chapter Three

Dr. Brad Pitt had been searching for the right words to begin for a few seconds, weighting his options and how to give the elder man next to him hints that wouldn’t give away too much. “Unfortunately, I’m in no position to tell you why Tony had been seeing a psychologist years ago. Confidence between doctor and patient. You know the thrill, Ducky.”

The Medical Examiner nodded his understanding but the frown remained as a sign of his confusion. He always suspected more behind the frat boy image Tony had built for himself to shield from heartache and heartbreak and everyone that wanted to get too close to him. Something, Ducky suspected, led from a childhood that wasn’t always as happy as anyone would think it would be with all the money you needed and all the presents you wanted. But for many people that simply wasn’t enough or rather not what they wanted and desperately needed. Especially for Tony.

The young man had a gigantic heart and could give people much more than they realized they needed, but he always forgot to think about himself and when he finally opened up to someone, mistakenly, it provided such a big target to them that it would break him apart. Something Ducky witnessed right after the end of the undercover operation DiNozzo had been on for so long and had lost his heart for, unexpected though.

Blinking the unpleasant thoughts away Dr. Mallard went back to face Pitt. “How did you find out about Anthony seeing a psychologist? I can’t remember anything like that written in his file or his medical records.”

“It isn’t. And I guess I know who helped Tony erase that tiny little detail of his past. From what I know about the reason, why he was in therapy once, I can totally understand why he wanted this to disappear – or not even appear for that matter – in the first place. Once because it wouldn’t be good for him to be reminded of all that happened and secondly because he probably wouldn’t stand where he stands now.”

Brad paused a moment to gather his thoughts. This wouldn’t be nearly as easy as he thought it would. Absently he rubbed his temples in which he felt a headache building. Anthony DiNozzo could bring up unpleasant memories although not really from himself but because of long evenings spent with two of his best friends remembering painful memories from the past. Such things were never easily processed, especially when you hadn’t had to endure what Tony had to. It was hard to understand motives behind treating someone, humiliating them.

_Flashback_

_36 Months Earlier_

It was an unusual quiet day at Bethesda Naval Hospital. Something Dr. Pitt wasn’t used to since college time. As a doctor it was fairly impossible to go home in time or early for that matter. Brad was stuck with loads of cases and patients day in day out. There was not even time to complain about odd working hours. You simple had to come in when there was an epidemic in the hospital and work quietly. And you had to be fast, awake from one minute to the other, no matter if you had just dozen of expecting a fitful sleep. You didn’t have to expect fitful sleep at all.

Family or any other sort of private life wasn’t possible. Only few people who’d chosen this kind of job had practically already sold there soul to the devil – or the hospital in this case. Hospital had to be there first priority. So all in all you could compare being a doctor to being a federal agent. Especially to those Brad knew well. They were just the same: never expecting to have much sleep, awake even before the mobile phone rang and sleep was interrupted all of a sudden.

Today was quiet, however, and Brad was grateful for that.

Finally he had the time to visit a friend of his whom he hadn’t seen in a long time – although he worked in the same hospital. Dr. Sean Marple was a psychologist. One, Brad had been to medical school with. That the man never really studied psychology and still managed to become a psychiatrist was a mystery not only to his friends. But his high success rate showed that the man was good. So good that Dr. Marple could only treat half of the people who came to him.

Anyway, Brad was done with everything that was left on his desk for the past months and now finally had the time to give his friend a visit. That the other doctor wouldn’t have the pleasure of going home early was obvious for him, but he hoped Sean Marple wouldn’t be stuck with a patient at that time of day. Doctor’s consultation was long overdue so he expected his friend to go through the paperwork.

Brad entered the psych ward heading for the third door on the right, Marple’s office. His thoughts were miles away when he opened the glass door, his eyes still focused on the knob when he spoke. “Hey Sean. Thought I would drop by before I go home…” When he turned to face his friend he was surprised to see that he obviously still was in the middle of a session with a patient.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to interrupt you. I didn’t think you still had a patient.” Brad smiled apologetically and turned to leave, not paying attention to the young man sitting opposite his friend. But before he had the chance to leave he was stopped by a more than familiar voice he wouldn’t have expected here. Not him of all people.

“Hey Brad.” Tony. Anthony DiNozzo, a man he knew too well to overhear him. No-one who met him before ever forgot that voice. Although something was definitely off. Something was left on the voice of the brown-haired man, but Pitt just couldn’t put a finger on it. Not now. Not without looking at Tony. Because when he finally did he saw the lines of stress and the marks of less sleep than good for the special agent. And Brad saw more than that. There was pain, sadness, hopelessness. Not the happiness Brad was used to seeing in Tony’s eyes.

The cheeky grin on Tony’s face didn’t match his eyes and Brad was sure, the two men had discussed something that was deep under the core. “I… didn’t know you were seeing a psychologist, Tony.” He was confused. And no-one could hold it against him. No-one who knew Tony would have thought that the man would see a shrink – and that willingly. No-one except Sean, of course.

“No-one knows about it, except Sean. Not even Gib-“, Tony interrupted and swallowed. Brad Pit frowned but remained silent. He thought it best to keep his mouth shut. After all, he’d been the one to barge into a more than private session and aroused embarrassment in his friend. That had been impolite enough for him to at least be reserved now.

After a few seconds of regaining his composure, Tony started talking again. “I know, that you didn’t know about this”, he admitted quietly and lowered his eyes on the patterns of carpet in Seans office. “No-one knows about this except Sean.” The embarrassment was evident although Brad couldn’t see the other man’s face. He didn’t know what to say and once again waited for either Tony or Sean to break the silence.

Again, it was Tony who spoke, his voice ever so slightly stronger than before. “I’d prefer it stays that way. I seeing a psychiatrist isn’t something anyone but me and my therapist should know about. Especially no-one I ever worked for or with cause if the wrong people get this information I’ll be screwed. I can’t afford loosing my job over something like this, especially not know.” There was an unidentified strain in DiNozzos voice that Brad didn’t understand but didn’t bother asking about, either. “You got that?” Tony asked, silent pleading hidden underneath the words. The young federal agent obviously afraid that someone might get information that didn’t do him any good.

So Pitt nodded his agreement, underlying it with calming words. “You have my promise. I won’t tell anyone unless you want me to and I doubt that’ll ever happen. Your life, your decision. What’s revealed in this office stays here.” Tony nodded thankfully, smiling gratefully, when Brad held up two fingers to lay them over his heart.

 

Reviews would be nice, really.


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